Frodo: Or, My Precious
by SilverElvenEyes
Summary: Gandalf has a student called Popsey, Elrond's ring Vilya has a date and Legolas doesn't, Arwen has claws, Boromir's ghost is chasing the Fellowship, Pippin and Merry are in the remake of A Knight's Tale, and Celeborn's got issues. Rated for cursing.
1. Chapter One: Or, Competition

DISCLAIMER: This all belongs to the one and only J.R.R. Tolkien…

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I don't know about the rest of you Legolas and Aragorn fans, but aren't you a little tired of either Legolas or Aragorn being shown as prissy? (Mostly Legolas…but you know Legolas fans…)

AUTHOR'S NOTE2: I'd like to thank the author of "The Legolas Snatchings," who gave me the idea for this…don't worry, it is NOT based on that story…

Frodo

(Or, My Precioussssss)

Aragorn and Legolas ran down the corridor of the Inn at Bree. "And Barliman says he's been like this all day?" Legolas asked as he ran.

Aragorn nodded gravely, and turned another corner. "Yes, nothing we do seems to snap him out of it."

Legolas sighed, not at all winded from the run. "We should have realized something like this would happen…"

Aragorn looked over his shoulder, and nearly ran into Barliman, who dodged quickly out of the way. "It's not your fault, Legolas."

"Still," Legolas said gloomily, "if I hadn't come…if someone who wasn't blond had gone instead…"

Aragorn paused, and laid a hand on the elf's shoulder. "I think this would have happened no matter which elf came," he said quietly. "Poor Frodo!"  
Legolas nodded, and broke into a run again. "You say he fades in and out, and doesn't seem to know us?"

"Yes."

"Possession?"

"I hope not."

They stopped at one door, and Aragorn knocked a series of elaborate taps in random order. 

"Any change?" Aragorn asked as one of his kinsmen opened the door.

The man shook his head, and opened the door further. Aragorn and Legolas went in.

"My preciousss!" Frodo hissed as they stepped inside, clenching his comb to his chest as he sat on the edge of a chair. "My precioussss!"

He was impeccably dressed in the latest hobbit-fashion, with his hair almost painfully neat, soaked to the roots with gel and mouse. Legolas blinked and frowned when he saw Frodo's hair, and turned to whisper to Aragorn. "When did he dye half his hair blond and the other half brown? And in the exact same shades as our hair?"

"Since this began," Aragorn answered grimly. "It started innocently enough…he said he was tired of having dark-hair, and wanted to be blond…but when he bleached his hair and started the dyeing we knew we had trouble…"

"My precioussss!" Frodo cried suddenly, and began pulling the comb through his hair, until the strand that had fallen across one ear was back in its proper place.

"This is bad," Legolas said dismally. "Oh, poor Frodo! Frodo, do you know me?"

"Or me?" Aragorn added as they leaned forward.

For a moment, Frodo only stared at them; then he lunged at them with his small hands curled into claws. "Competition!" he shouted as Legolas jumped up on a table and Aragorn dodged the other side of the room. _"COMPETITION!_ Must destroy competition!"

Aragorn's kinsman grabbed Frodo and gently pushed him down onto the chair, making soothing sounds as he handed Frodo a hair-bush and his bottle of gel. Frodo held both tightly and scowled darkly at Aragorn and Legolas as the two dared to come out of hiding.

"I've never known a hobbit to be vicious," Aragorn muttered, peering at Frodo. "This must be more serious than we thought."

Legolas nodded, then paused. "Aragorn, whatever happened to Sam?"

Aragorn's face grew graver, and he led Legolas from the room. "This is grim, Legolas…prepare yourself…"

He opened a second door, and there stood Sam, admiring himself in a mirror. Legolas's jaw dropped; the hobbit was wearing the exact same clothes as the elf—cut down to size, of course, with little wooden points mimicking that of an elf's glued to his ears. His hair was dyed white-blond, and in the same style as Legolas's.

Sam turned, and his pleasant face suddenly turned dark with anger. "Competition!" he screamed, and flung himself at the door. Aragorn slammed the door closed, and Legolas leaned against the wall, panting, and his eyes wide with fear. 

"This is horrible!" Legolas moaned. "Oh, Elbereth, when did I ask for a bunch of hobbits modeling themselves after me? What are we to do, Aragorn?" There was no answer. "Aragorn?" Legolas looked over, and found a blond human staring back at him, with little wooden points glued to his ears. 

"COMPETITION!" Aragorn bellowed, drawing his sword. "MUST DESTROY COMPETITION!"

"AHHHHHHH!" Legolas screamed, and turned to flee blindly down the hall, before coming up short.

A blond version of Boromir's ghost stood in front of him with little wooden points on his ears, blocking his path. "Must destroy competition!" the ghost howled.

Legolas screamed, flung open a door, and threw himself out of the window, before running down the road and out of sight, disappearing into the forest.

Aragorn paused, and Gandalf dropped the illusion of Boromir. They looked at one another, and said in unison, "He actually _fell _for it?"


	2. Chapter Two: Or, The Joke

Frodo: Or, My Precious

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I love making stories like this…I really try to leave it up to YOU to decide what I REALLY meant…i.e., do I despise Legolas as a pimp who needs his ego shot down a bit and his blond hair cut back to a buzz cut? Or am I madly in love with him, unable to take my eyes off him and totally insanely crazy about blond elves in general? Or do I not care at all? It's all up to you to decide…

Legolas twitched nervously as Aragorn coaxed him down the hallway at the Prancing Pony. "Legolas, I really think you'd feel a _lot_ better if you come down and have a drink or two of beer. Settle your nerves a bit."

"Nerves?" Legolas said as he walked sideways with his back pressed against the wall, inching down the corridor. "What nerves?"

"_Those_ nerves," the ranger replied, exasperated. "Honestly, Legolas, it was only a joke!"  


"Only a joke?" Legolas demanded, leveling a glare at Aragorn. "_ONLY A JOKE?_ You had to follow me all the way to the Barrow-Downs before you could explain that it was 'only a joke'! You had Frodo and Sam—_Sam! _Country-bred Sam!_—_dye their hair to look like me and dress up like me, and resurrect Boromir using illusionary magic so you could play something that was 'just a joke'?"

Aragorn shrugged nonchalantly. "Hey, we wanted to make it something for you to remember, always, as a birthday present!"

"Don't worry, I'll remember it all right," Legolas muttered. "Right over a cliff I'll remember it!"

"Birthday present," Aragorn repeated.

"Don't you _dare_ say 'my precious'!" Legolas snapped. Aragorn just raised an eyebrow, and motioned for Legolas to go first through the door.

"Oh, no," Legolas said grimly. "If you think I'm falling for the old 'lock 'em in the room with a bunch of zombies' trick, you think less of me than when you played that stupid joke!"

"It was funny!" Aragorn protested.

Legolas just scowled, and Aragorn shrugged before going into the tavern. When he followed, the lights suddenly went out.

A blond ghost of Boromir hovered over him with little wooden-tips on his ears. "COMPETITION!" the ghost screamed, and dove for him.

"Gandalf!" Legolas shrieked, dodging the ghost. _"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!"_

The lights came back on and the whole Company, from Aragorn and Gandalf to Merry and Pippin were howling with laughter. Even Barliman was laughing. Legolas glared at them. 

"Happy Birthday!" Pippin sniggered, and held up a small sugar-cake that said "**YOU HAVE COMPETITION**" in bold green letters. 

"Har har har," Legolas muttered, and blew out the two hundred or so candles they had managed to fit onto the cake. "You know, my friends, this isn't even my birthday."

"It _isn't_?" Merry demanded, delighted. 

"Great!" Pippin cried. "We get to do this all over again when it is your birthday!"

"Gimli," Legolas said to his dwarven companion, who was, at the moment, interested only in his pint of beer, "we're leaving for the Gray Havens. Tomorrow."

"Great! We still have time for that last trick!"

"Correction—_now!_"

"You go on ahead…I'll catch up," the dwarf muttered, but Legolas saw a mischievous look in his eyes. 

"All right, what did you guys do now?"

A blond elf that could have been Legolas's identical twin burst into the room. "COMPETITION!" he screamed. "MUST DESTROY COMPETITION!"

"YOU GUYS THIS IS NOT FUNNY!" Legolas shouted, throwing a chair in the direction of his attacker. 

But Aragorn looked severely shocked. "This isn't part of the plan!" he protested.

"HEY!" Pippin yelled indignantly. "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WAIT FOR THE SIGNAL YOU MORON!"

"Kid," the elf replied. "I'm not hired just sit around all day, you know. COMPETITION!"   


"PIPPIN YOU ARE ONE FLAT HOBBIT!" Legolas cried his double pinned him in a corner.

"Actually, it was Merry's idea."

"Was not."

"Was too!"  


"Was not!"  


"WAS TOO!"

"WAS NOT!!"

"No," Gimli replied suddenly. "It was _my_ idea!"

Legolas shot them an ugly look and ducked under a table. "All right, that's it! I'm going back to Mirkwood!"

"Competition," Frodo moaned, and pulled out a blond wig. He put in on his head, then inserted blue contact lenses into his eyes. Taking out little wooden points, he glued them onto his ears. "Must destroy competition!"

"Ok," the double said. "Now you're scaring me."

He and Legolas exchanged looks. "Make for the door on three?" Legolas said, and the double nodded. "Three!" They dashed in opposite directions, the double escaping as Legolas was pinned by the Company, all suddenly gone blue-eyed, blond-haired, and quite mad. 

"Com-pe-ti-tion…"

"NO!" Legolas screamed. "Help! Help! Help!"

__

Legolas screamed suddenly, and found himself in bed, with Aragorn shaking him by the shoulders. "Legolas! It's all right! It was just a joke!"

Pippin came in the open door, and grinned a very impish hobbit-grin. "Com-pe-ti-tion," he chanted. 

Aragorn turned to scold Pippin, but he felt a sudden breeze against his neck, and looked back over to see the window open and the curtains flapping. A note on the bed, written in hastily scrawled elvish, said: **Look, guys, this has been fun, but you are REALLY taking this joke thing a little too far. Tell Pippin I will get him for that—and no, I am not going to where you think I am going!**

Aragorn looked over at Pippin. "He's going to Lothlorien," they chorused. 

"Damn you're good," said a bitter-sounding elvish voice from outside the window.


	3. Chapter Three: Or, Chased

DISCLAIMER: not mine…all belongs to the great J.R.R. Tolkien. 

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is very crazy. Prepare yourself. On your mark, get set, READ!

Chapter Three

Chased

Legolas stretched out on the flet* in Lothlorien, eyes shut, a dreamy smile on his face. His flowing blond hair whisked gently about his head, caught in a soft breeze. The sweet sent of _elanor_ was in the air, and elven songs slowly wound themselves into his brain…wait. Something isn't right. Legolas frowned, still not opening his eyes. Is someone doing…_the hoky poky?!_

His eyes snapped open and he yelped. A blond version of Boromir's ghost with little wooden points on his ears and typical elven impossible-to-keep-neat hairstyle was doing the hoky poky above him.

"Put your elaborate hairstyle in! Put your elaborate hairstyle out! Put your elaborate hairstyle and don't shake all about! You do the hoky poky and turn carefully around, to keep the hairstyle neat! Yeah!"

"**_GANDALF!_**" Legolas bellowed. 

"It wasn't Gandalf, it 'tis I!" cried Celeborn, wearing a tie-die shirt and pants. "I! Celeborn the Great! Celeborn the Wise! Celeborn of many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many different elaborate hairstyles! I! Celeborn, Lord of Tie-Dies! Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

"Sorry about that," Galadriel said as she forced her husband into a straight jacket. "I'm afraid he hasn't had any coffee yet this morning. Makes him act…odd."

"I'll say," said Pippin, who was running the 3D projector. 

Legolas sighed, looked up and the ghost, and grimaced. "Beat it, buddy," he said to the ghost.

"Make me," the ghost replied, and stuck his tongue out. Legolas punched him out.

"HEY!" the director screamed. "YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO DO THAT! NOW WE HAVE TO FIND A **_NEW_** GHOST!"

"That bloody stinking ghost was getting on my nerves, you pea-brained excuse for a director," Legolas retorted. "Man, I am _outta_ here."

"We'll turn the fan girls loose on you!" the producer threatened.

"Let them come!" Legolas replied confidently. "I can take anything they throw at me! Bring it on!"

"Everybody back!" the producer ordered. "All you cute guys, on the ceiling, huptwohuptwomovemovemove!"

All the cute guys got up and sat on the ceiling, looking down into the gladiator ring through the skylights. "Leg-o-las!" they chanted. "LEG-O-LAS! LEG-O-LAS! LEG-O-LAS! LEG-O-LAS!"

Legolas steadied himself. "This can't be any worse than those stupid orc-doubles," he muttered.

"OPEN THE GATES!" the producer howled, and ran for the edge of the area.

Fan girls burst through the door, screaming loudly and holding out paper and pen. Then saw Legolas, and their screams were enough to deafen him. 

"Get out of there, Legolas!" Aragorn cried from the ceiling.

"SAVE ME!" he screamed, reaching for his bow and bag of harmless sleeping arrows. Then he realized the bow was only a prop. "I'm doomed!" he wailed.

"Never fear! SuperFrodie is here!" Frodo cried, swinging down from the ceiling in a superman suit that is three times too large for him.

"Never fear! WonderHobbit is here!" Pippin hollered, also swinging down from the ceiling in a wonderwoman suit three times too small for him.

FANGIRLS LOOKING AT SUPERFRODIE: Ooooooooooo.

FANGIRLS LOOKING AT WONDERHOBBIT: Aaaahhhhhh

FANGIRLS WATCHING FRODIE AND HOBBIT SLAM INTO EACH OTHER: Ow.

"Next time," SuperFrodie said painfully, "get your own frickin area."

"Don't worry, Leggy boy! I'm commin' for ya, friend!" Gimli bellowed, getting into his bungy suit. He jumped down from the ceiling, pulled a chuck of the ceiling with him and crashing through the floor to the basement. 

"Don't worry!" Gandalf called down. "I'll do my tap dacing routine!"

"Same me," moaned the Nazgul. "That would scare Sauron off, and that's really saying something!"

"It's really okay, you guys!" Legolas shouted back up, siting in a circle of fan girls fussing with his long blond hair. "Really! You can just leave me here!"

COLLECTIVE GASP: NO! HE'S BEEN BRAINWASHED BY FANGIRLS!

"I'm coming for you!" Gandalf bellowed, and jumped down. "LEVITATION! Uh, no, wrong spell, uh, FLY! No, that's not right either." Gandalf fell through the whole Gimli had made, all the while trying to think of the right spell to make him fly. "Oh!" came a distant sounding voice. "I remember! Uppity, uppity, up!" VOOOOOOOOOOSH! Gandalf shot through the ceiling like a rocket and disappeared towards the moon. 

"First Wizard on Mars," Legolas said wistfully. "Wish I could be there to see it. HEY PETER! YOU THINK I COULD BE A NAZGUL INSTEAD OF AN ELF? THESE EARS ITCH!"

TO BE CONTINUED…

?*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*

*Flet=flat place kinda like a treehouse that elven scouts use in Lothlorien. 


	4. Chapter Four: Or, Dude, Where's My Hairb...

1 DISCLAIMER: Not mine, am not making money off this, etc…  
  
2 AUTHOR'S NOTE: Please do not take offense about Arwen's lines—I love the character Aragorn and mean nothing against him. This is all just something silly to write so please do not take this stuff seriously!  
  
3  
  
4  
  
5 Chapter Four  
  
Or, Dude, where's my hairbrush?  
  
  
  
"He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and my dad is a real big nut-case—whoops," Boromir said in an audition for Legolas's part. Legolas, standing off to the side with the director, dressed in a Nazgul's robes, groaned softly.  
  
"Next!" the director called wearily.  
  
"But, I haven't finished my lines!"  
  
"Did you not here me? NEXT!"  
  
"This isn't fair! DADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDY!"  
  
The troll bouncers heaved the guy off stage.  
  
Arwen got up. "He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and I'm not so sure the wedding's on—I mean, uh-oh."  
  
Aragorn stood on the edge of the stage, glaring. "We need to talk about this!" he declared.  
  
Arwen sniffed. "Well, you know, Boromir is so much more handsome than you."  
  
"LOVE ME!" Eowyn screamed, throwing herself at Aragorn's feet.  
  
"You'd leave me with her?" Aragorn demanded.  
  
"If I barks like a dog," Arwen replied, looking down her long nose at the groveling Eowyn. "It usually is a dog."  
  
"This is all nice and well," said the director calmly, before screaming, "CAN WE GET A MOVE ON HERE, PEOPLE?!"  
  
Elrond storms forward. "I HAD TO TAKE OUT A LONE ON RIVENDELL TO PAY FOR THIS WEDDING!" he shouted. "YOU TWO ARE GETTING MARRIED IF IT KILLS YOU! AND IT WILL, EVENTUALLY, WHEN I SEND YOU HALF OF THE BILL!"  
  
Aragorn, getting angry, "You never said I'd have to pay for part of it."  
  
"If it barks like a dog…"  
  
"LOVE ME!"  
  
"I'll do it, I'll do it!" Aragorn said hastily. "Where do I sign?"  
  
"Right here."  
  
Meanwhile, SuperFrodie and WonderHobbit had become Sir Frodie and Sir Wonder, and were trying out for the part of William in the remaking of A Knights Tale, where William marries the nice blacksmith instead of the noble.  
  
"Yep," said Frodie. "We got 'dem vamats o'er der, der messin' da place up, ya know?"  
  
"CUT!' screamed the director. "THAT'S 'SHOWDOWN AT THE OK CARRAL!' NOT 'CAMELOT!' TAKE TWENTY-NINE!"  
  
*In southern bell accent.* "Why, I am just so tired of trying to find these hairbrushes!"  
  
"CUT! THAT'S 'GONE WITH THE WIND!' TRY AND STAY IN CAMELOT!"  
  
"Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh, gimme a home! where the lances hit home! Where the meeeeeeeeeeeeeetal is beaten all day! Where I'll get my a** whipped, in a contest of tilting, and the sky is blood-red all day! Hoh!"  
  
The director begins banging head against floor.  
  
"I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!" Gandalf howled, landing in a small green spacecraft in the middle of filming. "Damn, those martians know how to party!" Gandalf opens top of spacecraft, snaps fingers, and steps out in a bright pink bikini. "Whoops, wrong costume!" Snaps fingers, and ends up in Elrond's costume. "Nope, not right either." Snaps fingers again. "A cowboy? Who's been messing with my wand? Wait a second…this handwriting looks familiar…YOU ARE DEAD PEREGRIN!" Snaps one more time. Suddenly he screams, and everyone looks over.  
  
Gandalf is on the ground, holding too fuzzy little strips of hair in his hands. "No!" he moans, "it can't be! My fake eyebrows have fallen off!"  
  
All exchange looks.  
  
Galadriel: "I want more lines!"  
  
Sauron: "When do I come in?"  
  
AUTHOR: Next chapter, if you're good.  
  
Peregrin: "But mommy, I didn't do it! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow……  
  
THE MADNESS CONTINUES! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*?  
  
Any ideas guys? I'm running out. EMAIL ME WITH IDEAS! LadyoftheRings35@hotmail.com  
  
Note to sharps girl: Of course I'm crazy! You know a sane person who could write this? 


	5. Chapter Five: Or, That Damn Ring

Disclaimer: not mine. Etc…

Please don't take my comments about Elrond seriously…I love the guy to pieces…:-p

Chapter Five

Or, That Damn Ring

"Honey, come on!" Celebrían said impatiently, tapping her foot. "We'll miss the grand opening of the remake of 'A Knight's Tale.' You KNOW how Mother gets when we're late."

"Do I ever," Elrond muttered as he dug through his clothes trunk. "That's the problem with elf in-laws—they live longer. Forever, to be precise. Uh, just a minute, darling! I have to find something immensely important and of the uttermost secrecy."

Celebrían sighed. "Elrond, I told you you'd have to become _organized when you became an elf-lord," she complained. "And you lost Vilya __again?"_

Elrond looked scandalized. "How did you know I had it?" he demanded.

"Darling, I had to _find it for you on the evening of your own wedding!" _

"Well, this artifact of amazing power and incredible possibilities is gone."

"Did you check your inner pockets?"

"Yes, dear."

"Oh, honey, you didn't think it was a coin and toss it into the fountain again, did you?"

"No, dear."

"Hmm…"

Elrond swore and threw his clothes back into the chest. "Where could it be?"

Celebrían looked at her watch and sighed. "Go ask Glorfindel, dear. I'll check the usual places."

Elrond stomped out of his room and down the hall, wearing a dark scowl on his face as he moved. "Glorfindel!" he called when he spotted the telltale blond head. "Come here, please!"

Glorfindel came up to him. "Yes, ole buddy ole pal."

"Cut with the accent—this is serious! I've lost an artifact of immense importance and of the uttermost secrecy."

"Oh, my lord! Can't you get organized? What ever happened to those alphabetically ordered ring-pockets I gave to you?" Glorfindel demanded, and sighed. "Really, you think you'd be able to hold onto something as important as Vilya."

"Shh! How'd you know?" Elrond demanded. 

"Really, Elrond…Gil-Galad has a ring. He goes out to battle without the ring. You come back with it. It's a little obvious."

"I didn't think you could see it…"

"You used it as your WEDDING ring for crying out loud, what did you think we'd see? We're not stupid you know."

"What am I going to do?" Elrond wailed. "Galadriel will kill me if I've lost it! She always said that I wasn't good enough for her daughter…"

Glorfindel suddenly went alabaster white and fainted dead away. Elrond spun around and almost fainted himself. 

There, standing in front of him, was a hobbit-sized version of Sauron himself. "Hello," he said in a rather squeaky voice. "Look, don't be alarmed…I teased Gandalf about crying over his eyebrows and he turned me into a hobbit. Did you loose your ring?"

"I can't tell you, you're the enemy!" Elrond protested.

"Not any more," Sauron the Hobbit answered gloomily. "My allies and minions all died from laughter at seeing me shrunk to Halfling size. I was thinking of taking up farming…I've always liked farmers. Start a family. But I think Sauron is too ominous a name. What do you think of…Bobo? Bobo Hobbit? Elrond? El-rond? You awake? Hello?"

Sauron the Hobbit dumped water over Elrond, who was out cold. Elrond coughed, sputtered and sat up. "You still here?" he demanded.

"Look, I saw your ring outside, dating mine. Why don't you go get it?"

"Dating?" Elrond muttered as he stomped outside. "What does he mean by that?"

Elrond found out, too his horror, when he stepped outside and found the One Ring, Vilya, Nenya, and Narya all outside. Apparently, Vilya and the One Ring were getting married, Narya was the pastor and Nenya was the ring-of-honor. 

"And so with the power invested in me…oh no." Narya looked up in terror at a red-faced Elrond. 

"Get back to your bearers," he ordered in a dangerous tone. "Now."

Narya and Nenya instantly disappeared. Vilya and One Ring huddled together. "You can't separate us!" Vilya said shrilly. "We're in love!"

Elrond rolled his eyes. "You're a _ring, how can you fall in love?"_

"Love crosses all boundaries."

"Oh bullshit," Elrond said. "Get over here. We have a movie to catch."

"I'm not going anywhere and you can't make me!"

"I knew I should have chosen an amethyst," Elrond sighed. "Much lest argumentative than a sapphire. Look, I'll cut you a deal. Come with me now and I won't throw you in Mount Doom along side that punk."

"No deal."

Elrond pushed up his sleeves. "Don't make me take you with me, young lady…oh, w hat am I saying? You're a ring. I'm talking to a ring. I'll be talking through one next."

"It's not all that hard," Sauron commented. 

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARLING!"

Elrond paled. "Cut the crap and I'll let you marry him," he said hastily.

Vilya smiled nastily. "Too late."

Elrond's face was one of perpetual horror as Galadriel swept him up into a bone-crushing hug. "BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABY! You look so ELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLVISH this morning!"

"Oh my Elbereth," Elrond groaned.

"Man," One Ring said. "That's my kinda lady."

Vilya kicked him. "I KNEW you were cheating with Nenya!" Vilya cried. "You BASTARD!" she slapped him across the rim. 

"Hey, it was just a fling!" One Ring protested.

"Can't—breathe—" Elrond gasped as Galadriel squeezed him tighter. "Hurt—hurt—hurt—"

"Was I just a fling, then?" Vilya asked shrilly.

"Yes! I mean, no! I mean—!"

Vilya burst into tears. "I hate you! I can't believe I fell in love with a jerk you son of a boulder!"

"Now just wait one minute! My mother was better than that—I have pure gold bloodlines running right back to the beginning of cre—"

"Save it! Go run off with your darling Nenya!"

One Ring shrugged. "Hey, if that's the way you feel…"

"It _was true!" Vilya wailed. _

"I never said that!"

"You said as much!"

"Mother really," Celebrían said as she pulled her husband to safely. "Let my hubby alone."

"Thanks," Elrond gasped, slowly turning back to his normal complexion as Vilya and One Ring began blasting each other. "Let's get out of here before this lover's quarrel kills one of us…"

"I'll just marry Galadriel, then!" One Ring said shrilly, jumping onto Galadriel's finger. "Nice to meet you."

"Why, what a charming young ring!" Galadriel exclaimed.

"I knew it!" Celeborn cried. "You WERE cheating on me!"

"Darling never!"

"And just who is this?"

"His name is One Ring."

"Just like a thought…a playring!"

"I am not!"

"Fine!" Vilya screamed. "You ungrateful bastard! I'll just marry—" she looked over at an Elrond, who was rapidly shaking his head. "Elrond!"

Celebrían turned purple. "You slut!" she screamed, throwing herself at Vilya. "No one touches my man!"

"Oh no," Elrond said. "That Damn Ring is getting me into trouble again."

"Are we going to miss the movie?" Sauron asked. 

Elrond sighed. "Let's go together," he suggested.

"WHAT?!" Celebrían and Vilya stopped fighting. "You're gay?" Celebrían cried. "And you never told me?"

"I'm not gay I just happen to be going to a movie with Sauron who used to be my mortal enemy. What's wrong with that?"

Celebrían swooned. Vilya melted. Celeborn and Galadriel resolved their differences and the One Ring went off to seduce other women. 

"All just a day in the life of an Elf-Lord," Sauron said solemnly as Elrond woke Celebrían up. 

"Honey, it's ok! I love you and I won' t ever leave you."

"Oh, how sweet!" One Ring said over the sound of elvish smooching. 

"Let's elope," Celebrían said dreamily as Elrond dramatically swept her up into his arms. 

"We're already married."

"Let's elope anyway."

"Ok!"

They eloped. 

Galadriel: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAA! MY DAUGHTER'S ELOPED WITH A TRAMP!"

Celeborn: She eloped with her husband, Gala."

Galadriel: "Same thing. And don't call me Gala."


	6. Chapter Six: Or, The Pokadoted Wizard

Disclaimer: I own none of this except Popsey. 

PS. I know I am insane. Do you actually think a sane person could write this stuff? And I'm not even on caffeine right now!

Chapter Six

Or, The Poke-Doted Wizard

Elrond buried his head in his hands. He was having a miserable day. And it wasn't just the fact that his daughter was insisting on marrying a human, or that his wife was stuck on the other side of an ocean, or that he hadn't seen his parents in millennia. It wasn't even that his brother made a stupid mistake and became a human. 

"If Elros hadn't gone and got himself married, there wouldn't _be an Aragorn!" Elrond growled. _

He hadn't seen a physiatrist in days.

"And I still can't decide about that face lift," Elrond mourned. He checked himself in the mirror, straightening his regal robes. "I know Galadriel always said if I scowled forever my face would freeze this way, but I didn't think she was _serious!"_

There was a light tap on his door. "What?" he called wearily, wondering if the shipment of Thranduil's wine had come in yet. He could really use some booze. 

Gandalf stuck his head in. If he'd been a dog, his tail would have been between his legs. "Um, Elrond?"

Immediately suspicious, Elrond closed the distance between them. "Gandalf, what have you done this time?"

"I went and signed myself up at the Foundation For Teaching Replacement Wizards For When We're Gone. The FFTRWFWWG. Pronounced fa-tree-fig-wig."

Elrond closed his eyes. His day had just gotten worse. "And—?"

"I got a student."

"Honestly Gandalf, you can't even properly kill yourself! How are you going to set a good example for the student?" Elrond glared at him sternly. 

"It's not the student I'm worried about," Gandalf mourned. "It's me."

"You? Why?"

"Look." Gandalf opened the door open further to reveal a tall girl in her late teens. Her hair was dyed electric green, she wore a green and blue poke-doted mini-skirt with a V neck tank top that matched her brilliant turquoise eyes, and was chewing green gum. She watched them from over a nose ring, six gold hoops in her right ear and nine green studs in the other.

"Yo," she said, popping a bubble. She looked Elrond up and down in a way that made him distinctly uncomfortable. "You married?" 

Elrond stared at the apparition in front of him. "You idiot," he said in disgust to Gandalf, "you think you can train her? She's a walking disaster!" And he slammed the door shut in their faces. 

He could still hear the Wizard through the door. "That's Elrond. You'll get used to him. Funny guy. I hear he's getting a face-lift."

*     *     *     *

Arwen sighed melodramatically, draped crossed a couch in the Hall of Fire. "I'm in love," she said dreamily. 

Legolas, grouching because he couldn't get a date, sat in the corner. "At least I finally dumped that stupid ranger and his hobbit friends," he mumbled. Louder he said, "So you've told us a million times. Get _over it Arwen. What do you see in him anyway?"_

"His ears are pointy," she answered distantly, a hazy smile on her too-pretty face. 

Legolas looked scandalized. "His are not! And you turned me down—twice!—for marriage, and _my ears are pointy!"_

"Legolas, you just aren't my type…and besides, I want brown haired children. Blond is too…elvish."

Legolas threw himself back into his corner, sulking. "Yeah, yours is the type that carries an injured nail to Elrond on a stretcher so he can manicure it back on," Legolas growled. 

"What was that?" Arwen asked sharply, raising her hands so Legolas could see her fingernails—which seemed to have turned into claws. "Did you just insult my nails?"

"Arwen, really, put your hands down and back away from the fire-poker—"

Meanwhile, Gandalf was trying futilely to get his student, who told him to call her Popsey and refused to tell him her true name, to spit out the gum she was chewing.

"It's cancerous and causes cavities," he scolded. "Spit it out!"

She shrugged. "If you insist." She aimed at a valuable vase sitting in the corner, spat, and shattered the vase into a hundred unrecognizable pieces of clay.

Gandalf stared in horror at the once-was vase. It had been a favorite of Elrond. He could just hear what the elf-lord was going to say when he found out what had happened. "Maybe we should keep you away from the valuables," he said hastily, pushing his student out the door. 

"Now, you must remember, magic is to be used for good purposes only, all right?"

"Yes, Gafy."

"Don't call me that. Now, your first spell that I will teach you is how to switch someone's mind with someone else's'. We call this the Switcheroo Spell."

"No kidding." Somehow, magically, the gum had gotten back into her mouth and she was chewing another piece. "How do you do it?"

"Just say abra-kadavra and imagine the two minds switching."

"Cool."

"GANDALF! IF YOUR STUDENT BROKE THIS VASE YOU ARE ONE DEAD WIZARD!"

Gandalf blanched. "Hold on," he said hastily, and trotted back down the corridor. 

"Hasta lavista, baby." 

Popsey wandered into the doorway to watch as Arwen, hissing like an enraged cat lunged at a handsome elf that was clinging onto the chandelier for dear life. She was missing him by mere inches.

"Come down here and fight like an elf!" she shouted. "You lily-livered coward!"

"Sheath those claws and I'll think about it," he retorted. 

Good chance to test the spell, Popsey thought. "Abra-kedavra!" she shouted, and imagined the two elves switching brains. 

POOF!

The handsome elf let go of the chandelier with a strangled cry and crashed to the floor. The elf with claws looked in the mirror, screamed bloody murder, and fainted dead away.

Popsey admired her handiwork. "Cool," was all she said.

*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*

What ever will happen to Arwen/Legolas and Legolas/Arwen? Will they ever switch back? Will Elrond ever get in touch with a physiatrist to see about that face lift? If you review, I'll post faster!


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